that you.

2003-02-04T21:19:00.000-05:00

2002-11-18T16:38:00.000-05:00

2002-11-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

2002-10-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

2002-10-03T16:54:00.000-04:00

2002-08-20T14:57:00.000-04:00

If there is any place that I could comfortably live forever in peace and harmony, it just might be Burritoville.

2002-08-15T13:16:00.000-04:00

There is no awful pain like that which is plaguing my throat today. Whoever cursed me, I damn you.

2002-08-14T12:38:00.000-04:00

I love the Independent Film Channel.

2002-08-03T17:17:00.000-04:00

sweating bullets
in the faculty lounge
sensing treason
they're not waiting around
on the first bus out of town
they're playing movies
that we've already seen.

2002-08-02T12:56:00.000-04:00

As if it would weigh on your mind, I highly recommend that you tune in to This American Life this weekend.

2002-08-01T17:20:00.000-04:00

It's called "America's Favorite Food!" for a reason.

2002-07-30T11:51:00.000-04:00

An email arrived just now with the subject header: "Sometimes, not always, I like the idea of a chick... with a horse..." And here, some members of the staff of that you. thought, "Well, yes. We, too, like the idea of a chick with a horse... because it reminds us of our farmland upbringing." Then other, more snarky members of the staff, remarked, "I like the idea of Lady Godiva." And at last, a senior member of said staff opened the email and it was revealed that the email was advertising "FREEKY FUCKING SHIT!" The email continued on to inform us that their free video and pics are banned in 51 states. And so we wonder, plainly and with a little hope that somebody can tell us: Where is the extra state coming from that has banned the idea of a chick with a horse? We wait patiently, and hope you can tell us everything our horrible little minds want to know.

2002-07-24T11:17:00.000-04:00

And yesterday, there passed a giant of jewish letters, Mr. Chaim Potok.

For those unaware of the import of Mr. Potok's body of work, consider not only his impressive debut,The Chosen, but also his ambitious and breathtaking History of the Jews. There is no comparison.

2002-07-23T17:04:00.000-04:00

This past weekend Alan Lomax, celebrated musicologist, died at age 87. Though I'm sure most of you know this by now, and that I will have nothing new to say, it seemed strange that I would not at least make mention of Lomax and his historical importance.

If you have any doubts as to why you need to know who he is, consider all that we would be missing out on without him.

2002-07-18T01:56:00.000-04:00

Oh Yoshimi
They don't believe me
But you won't let those
Robots eat me

2002-07-04T02:31:00.000-04:00

It's peanut butter jelly time.

2002-06-28T17:42:00.000-04:00

2002-06-28T14:40:00.000-04:00

For those of you nearby, consider attending knw-yr-own's Shipwreck Day What-the-Heck-Fest on July 19 and 20.

2002-06-25T13:52:00.000-04:00

I am trying to break your heart.

2002-06-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

2002-06-20T14:57:00.000-04:00

There are line ups of books waiting to be read. Here are some of them, the reading of which is being slightly delayed to continue to enjoy the excitement of pre-reading:
Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay by Nancy Milford
The Mineral Palace by Heidi Julavits
Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
Frog by Stephen Dixon

2002-06-14T03:28:00.000-04:00

Tonight there will be a reading by Paul Auster and Stephen Dixon. If you don't know who these authors are by now, you should learn immediately and if you are in the area of New York City, we expect you to be there. The entire staff of that you. will be on hand, and you may get a chance to meet us all, if you care about such things.

The reading begins at 7 Pm.

The reading takes place at Housing Works BookStore, located at 126 Crosby Street, just south of Houston between Broadway and Lafayette.

There will be books to buy.

2002-06-10T12:11:00.000-04:00

"It's the noise," claims the best-selling bodice-ripper novelist Gwen Google Huzzah. "Silence bores me. I have to hear the creative act, the tap-tap-tap of the keys on the paper, to weave my word spells. That's why I can write only on my Hobart Gladiator Junior, which they stopped making way back in 1935 because of new office antinoise laws."

The staff here at that you. writes using a combination of four available sources, three preferred and one a crutch:
Microsoft Word on the iMac
LC Smith & Corona (date unknown, but it is suspected to be from the 1940s or earlier)
Alternately white or yellow legal pads
Spiral bound notebooks

There are also some members of the staff who dictate into a Playskool dual-microphone cassette recorder, but the rest of us have been encouraging them to epgrade to a digital recorder with USB interface so pieces can be edited on the iMac, and then dictated more easily.

Special thanks to a senior member of the staff of lot vogue for forwarding the article along.

2002-06-09T03:18:00.000-04:00

Tonight, instead of sleeping or listening to music, the staff of that you. is amusing and educating itself by listening to epsiodes from the This American Life archive, most notably episode 90 from January 16, 1998 entitled "Telephone" that is about, among many other things, the telephone, which is something of with I am obsessed.

2002-06-07T15:23:00.000-04:00

the thunderclouds broke up.
the rain dried up, the lightning let up, the clacking shutters just shut up.
there's no black or white, no change in the light,
no night, no golden sun.
the sounds of cars, the smell of bars, the awful feeling of electric heat.

2002-06-04T04:30:00.000-04:00

what would you like to talk about then?
since everything I say doesn't make sense.
it's not 'cause what I did behind the garage.
it's not just that, the reason I can't talk.

2002-06-04T02:58:00.000-04:00

Tonight while learning what little bit we can on our own about letterpresses, the staff stumbled onto the American Amateur Press Association. Our favourite part is the listing of typefaces available from U. S. foundries. Our main employer, McSweeney's, utilizes the impressively rare Garamond3C, although AGaramond seems to also be acceptable.There are slight but noticable differences between the two, most notably in the curves of lowercase b and d.

2002-06-03T03:50:00.000-04:00

2002-06-03T03:26:00.000-04:00

UpcomingMovies.com has found a home in Yahoo!.

2002-06-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

A very nice person nobody amongst the staff knows personally paid for ads to be removed from this page. We here at that you. would like to say as sincerely as we are capable of en masse, "Thank you."

2002-06-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

2002-06-01T13:03:00.000-04:00

In response to my dinner of Subway and a McDonald's chocolate shake, a member of a rival staff had this to say: "the chocolate milk shake makes me want to drink vanilla."

2002-05-27T14:31:00.000-04:00

A member of the that you. staff cut my hair earlier today. I suspected that there is a spot near the back that was cut too short, and although took two photos to try and examine from a further out and more objective perspective, could not adequetely determine if such was true. There will now be dread for at least a week, until we are again rocking the Jew-fro in full effect.

2002-05-25T09:03:00.000-04:00

I hate when new discs seem to skip. And I never know when to blame the disc and when to blame the player.

2002-05-24T17:25:00.000-04:00

Among other books, right now we are reading Myla Goldberg's Bee Season, which is quite good and touching in many different ways. It involves Jews and spelling, two things that I like. I can't speak for the rest of the staff, though they seem to agree that the cover is pretty nice.

2002-05-24T03:03:00.000-04:00

This week there were ideas for new stories proposed and discussed. Then the fact that all the time in the world is taken up by work, and resignation set in. This interview with Judy Budnitz may help the overcoming of small obstacles, though. There is consent amongst the staff that we like Judy Budnitz and her books.

2002-05-24T01:11:00.000-04:00

Why is it I don't feel the same?
Are my longings to be blamed
for not seeing heaven like you would see?
Why is a song the world for me?

2002-05-21T14:01:00.000-04:00

the stars so far stay up all night
they've got some kind of way to shine their light

2002-05-21T01:58:00.000-04:00

The staff of that you. would like to express sadness and gratitude in the direction of Stephen Jay Gould, who was both brave and brilliant. We will miss him even thought we did not know him.

We just learned that Walter Lord also died. We would like to express similar sadness and gratitude. An excellent historian and storyteller who shall be missed indeed. We also did not know him, but we do like the tough-guy sound of his name.

2002-05-20T12:45:00.000-04:00

When we first heard the new Weezer album, we here at that you. felt lukewarm. But now we are liking it more and more, and even thought of it fondly this past weekend when we were in Chicago and you were not, and neither was it, the new album nicely titled Maladroit. We recommend that that you, too, give it a few spins and learn to like it, if not love it, for it loves you with all its protracted little heart. And now we have to run like the wind for we are late to everything in life, that you should know by now.

2002-05-15T00:53:00.000-04:00

A long long time ago, I perfected not only the evil eye but also the dreaded curse of nightly insomnia. After watching His Girl Friday with the Jackie-O, I hastily scurried her out in order to collapse onto the bed and sink into the deepest, however short, of sleeps. Naturally, several minutes after the apartment was emptied, as I began to sort things out and clear the bed, the need for sleep subsided. Then one roommate came home. Followed by the other. Now everybody is sleeping except me, and I figured it was about damn time that I update this fucking thing. I mean it'd been about a week or something, right? I lost track of time. Here I was thinking it had been only two or three days. Goddamn that you, brain. Quit it.

2002-05-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

2002-05-09T10:57:00.000-04:00

Today I am going to visit a new bakery. It is called Taylor's, and I have been told good things about it.

2002-05-08T14:16:00.000-04:00

Some news for those of you in the Washington, D.C. area:

WASHINGTON - United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan again called for
members of the band Wussy Bunny to allow members of a UN-assembled inspection
team into their practice space. The team, assembled by the UN Commission on
Punk Rock (UNCPR), would investigate charges that Wussy Bunny may be
assembling the necessary components to build and deploy instruments of mass
destruction.

The band, which is seen as a pariah by much of the international community,
has come under increasing fire over the past three weeks due to its stubborn
insistence to continue to create punk rock in secret. "Wussy Bunny must not
continue to flout the sincere efforts of the international community," Annan
declared. "Their refusal to disclose the secrets of their rock is a crime
that cannot go unanswered."

Specifics about the nature of the band's rock were difficult to obtain.
However, over the past three months, intelligence sources in several
countries have reported that the band have acquired components including a
Rhythm Art Eight Piece Drum Set (including stool), an Ibanez RG270 Electric
Guitar, and a Yamaha 235-IX Keyboard - all of which can be obtained for the
right price from international music dealers.

While these elements alone could not produce punk rock powerful enough to be
a threat to international security, two more serious allegations surfaced
this week. First, sources report that the aging director of rhythm for Wussy
Bunny, Dr. Rhythm, was replaced by the talented Prof. Amanda Fazzone. Second,
and perhaps more frightening, is a report that the band may have acquired a
BC Rich Warlock Bass. Such a device, along with its widow's head in blue wood
grain, would be capable of rocking the Western Hemisphere in ways that
haven't been seen since the Second World War.

The UNCPR team hopes to examine Wussy Bunny's practice space to fend off
fears that the band may launch another rock attack. Previous attacks in
October and December of last year resulted in hundreds rocked in Washington,
D.C. In a move presumed to be an attempt to counter the allegations, Wussy
Bunny declared that they would show their instruments to the public this
Friday at 9:30 PM at The Black Cat. While this may result in a lessening of
tensions, there is fear that the $6 tickets to the event will be unavailable
to all who want them, given the immense popularity of other participants such
as El Guapo and Q And Not U.

2002-05-08T11:31:00.000-04:00

In 1999, I perfected the evil eye.

2002-05-03T12:59:00.000-04:00

And so my 40 days and nights in the desert (really six days and five nights in Maryland) are coming to an end, and I am getting ready to drive back to New York where Essdog, Knee, The Tim (who is driving back with me), the Jackie-O and I are going to see Spider-Man. Some links could have been included there but I am too lazy. Oh all right. I'll link to the Jackie-O.

2002-05-01T19:07:00.000-04:00

I rarely if ever read Salon anymore, but today I decided to visit and see what was going on over there. The lead article, which is about public radio, something, if you read here often, you know I am very interested in, just happens to be a Salon Premium Exclusive article. This means that I can read about as far into the article as I can spit for distance. That is, not very far at all. This is why I stopped reading Salon in the first place. Inevitably the article I would like most to read is reserved for those with regular and reliable cash flow. Well, fuck that you, Salon.

2002-04-29T03:34:00.000-04:00

We (read: I) are (am) considering renaming this site. The thought occured to us (me) while we (I) were (was) driving today. There was more consideration for the subtitle than the title. Any comments, thoughts, suggestions or general ranting can be sent to us (me), and please don't be shy.

2002-04-29T03:30:00.000-04:00

Despite my affinity for solitude, there is something especially lonely about an empty house. All kinds of noises echo throughout. There was my one attempt at making a neat sentence. Mostly the creaks are making me a little jumpy. I blame the howling wind outside.

2002-03-25T12:54:00.000-05:00

Yes, I watched The Academy Awards last night, and other than Will Smith leaving early, my favorite segment of the entire night was the lovely Academy shout-out to Errol Morris by opening the show with his interview short. A close second was the documentary tribute made by Penelope Spheeris.

2002-03-21T23:32:00.000-05:00

Sure, I'm listening to Tom Waits, but really it's just Scrabble that's on my mind.

2002-03-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

2002-03-18T04:25:00.000-05:00

I did not save Latin, but only because it did not need saving.

2002-03-13T22:19:00.000-05:00

"And nothing's really different though it seems like I've spent my life in planes which is kinda strange but I don't know."
—Dismemberment Plan

2002-03-13T01:27:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I watched the season finale (and possible series finale) of Undeclared, which made me upset. Then I discovered Scrubs, a fairly decent show about doctors—way better than ER these days—that features none other than Becky no. 2 and helped me feel better about the world. It has voiceover, which normally I do not like, but there were some nice jokes in the voiceover.

2002-03-12T00:15:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I was on the train, and I was very sleepy. So I put my book down and closed my eyes. Then, I was at my stop, and I got off the subway and walked home. I am still tired. I didn't sleep at all on the subway. not even during that time when my eyes were closed. The book is titled The Magnificent Ambersons and it is by Booth Tarkington. I stopped reading it for a few months because it bothers me. I am currently reading nine books, but not all this very minute. At this very minute I am listening to Tullycraft. Beat that.

2002-03-05T01:31:00.000-05:00

There are excellent business reasons for Disney to pursue the Letterman program. But when "Nightline" is gone from the ABC schedule, and should the occasion arrive that our work might again seem relevant to the anonymous executive, it will not then be possible to reconstitute what is so easily destroyed.
—Ted Koppel

2002-03-05T01:07:00.000-05:00

At this time of night, everything would be much better with a case of lemon Diet Coke.

2002-03-04T02:22:00.000-05:00

a brief interview with Amy:

Q: Do you like horror films?

Amy: Yeah, definitely

Q: What was the first horror film you saw?

Amy: I think it was The Shining... that's the one that sticks out the most, anyway.

Q: Do you know how old you were?

Amy: 7, 8 maybe? I was probably watching when I shouldn't have been.

Q: Do you prefer slasher, supernatural or atmospheric-thrilller-type horror films?

Amy: Slasher... I love those cheap 80's horror flicks. The Halloweens (except for that weird witch one), Friday the 13ths, etc.

Q: What is it that you enjoy about cheap slasher films?

Amy: Because they're really goofy, yet at the same time can creep me out just enough. They're all basically the same, too... so you know just what you're in for. They're a guilty pleasure. Horror flicks don't need integrity, they just need to be creepy.

2002-02-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

The Onion: Listening to the album, I was wondering, "Where are all the drum solos?"

Jason Schwartzman: Where are all the drum solos? In my dreams. I'm not a fan of too many drum solos. To be honest with you, I'm not good enough to do drum solos, and I like it that way. I like how Alex [Greenwald] in the band put it. One day, we were walking over to the music store and they had a big sign that read, like, "The 19th Annual Drum-Off." And Alex quipped, "Where the winner is the loser." I kind of agree. I never want to win a drum-off.

2002-02-25T00:22:00.000-05:00

It was decided earlier tonight that if reincarnation does exist, then I am likely Zelda Fitzgerald, which isn't altogether a bad person to have been since she was quite a looker and well known for her wacky stunts and kissing escapades. The downside is that I'll have to go totally crazy and write completely unreadable works of fiction, all the while having my best ideas stolen by my own personal F. Scott. But oh how I will love that F. S. so, whoever it is. And then I will die in a fire while trapped inside an asylum.

2002-02-24T16:40:00.000-05:00

When I was young, I, like Chris Ware, believed that the world was entirely black and white before the invention of color television.

2002-02-22T18:14:00.000-05:00

2002-02-21T02:01:00.000-05:00

Somebody told me recently that I have a problem. And that problem is that I'm not out there dating. I have serious doubts about this, but this person would not hear them. Or, if she would, she did not want to believe them. The doubts. She also likes to doubt that I dislike not dating, and surmises that I take a kind of pride in being single and hanging out with married or otherwise soon-to-be couples. I think that if I were that way then I would be like some serious kind of fucked up that there aren't even words to describe or explain yet.

There was my blind date, but apparantly that doesn't count for enough points. Somehow, on the scale on which I am being weighed, I need a lot more points. Those mixed metaphors work if you look the other way. Just keep reading and stop using your brain.

And but so, as this conversation took place last night, and as I was made to feel like I must get on the ball right away, I set out in search of a date today.

Here is a summary of my day:
I walked home alone.
I hung out with my heterosexual male roommate who was playing soccer on the playstation.
I spoke to a heterosexual male on the phone.
I e-mailed with several heterosexual men.
I watched some teevee with my heterosexual male roommate, and my heterosexual female roommate who has a boyfriend.
I went to see an apartment currently populated with two heterosexual males who are trying to fill the rooms to be vacated by possibly heterosexual females who were not present, but had nice furniture.
I came home, and everybody is asleep, including the homosexual female roommate.

As you can see, there were not a whole lot of opportunities for dating.

I tried to make eyes in the vague direction of some women on the subway, but there's really no way to do that and not look like totally creepy and sick. So I stopped quickly and went back to reading Naked by David Sedaris. This also will probably not help.

2002-02-20T02:17:00.000-05:00

Radio Liberacion by Nancy Updike
A clandestine radio station set up by the CIA set up in the fifties, to overthrow Guatemala's government. The coup success was in part due to power of radio. Or that's what the CIA believed. For the first time in the USA, we hear the recently declassified broadcasts. Premiered on "Hearts and Minds," PRI This American Life.

2002-02-18T16:41:00.000-05:00

Pluto - That Thing Kim Basinger Designed for Herself
"Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg. Oh, you forgot about me, didn't you? Hoping you'd get Steve Martin every year, weren't you? Well, guess what -- the Oscar telecast can only be tasteful, understated, and actually funny every other year. In between, it's all about the Whoopster. Opening up a can of extra-unfunny Whoopi ass on your...er, ass. At least this year you won't have to worry about laughing so hard you spill Pepsi on your couch. In fact, you won't have to worry about laughing, period. See you in March!"

2002-02-18T02:39:00.000-05:00

Radio gets inside us. Lacking earlids, we are defenseless, vulnerable to ambush. Sounds and voices surprise us from within. As radio documentary makers, we have this tactical advantage over our colleagues in print, film, television, photography. Our tool is aural story, the most primitive and powerful. Invisibility is our friend. Prejudice is suspended while the listener is blind, only listening.
—Jay Allison

2002-02-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

Benn Ray: After reading many of your Maakies strips, and then going back and rereading the first Sock Monkey series, the line "I think, dear Mouse, that Mary Shelley put it best when she described life as 'nothing more than an accumulation of anguish'" really stands out. Would you describe this as your personal philosophy? If not, how would you sum up your personal philosophy, and how is it manifested in your work?
Tony Millionaire: No, it's not my personal philosophy. It was the philosophy of the monster in Mary Shelley's great book Frankenstein. That was such a great monster and it has never come close to being captured accurately on film. I think he had animal legs, that's how he was able to run to the North Pole. My personal description of life is that it is a giant bucket full of joy.

2002-02-14T21:42:00.000-05:00

Because my own words seem to go misconstrued or simply ignored, here are some words from a person who is not me. Instead, the person is Ira Glass, who often has good and meaningful things to say, although I have suspicions that his words are sometimes also misunderstood.

I think there are a lot of us who...who don't want people's attention at the same time that we strive to get their attention. Actually, I think being an adult is learning not to be ashamed of what you want. And I think for a lot of us, it's hard to admit even to ourselves what it is that we want. Much less to have other people see it.

2002-02-14T21:27:00.000-05:00

And that one line, "We have been naught. We shall be all." Naught. What a wonderful word to describe my insignificance. It spoke as much about my wish to be delivered from this preadolescent self as it did to any consciousness of liberating the masses, but it held such promise of what I might hope for that even now, as I write this, I can still call up that old fervor. It still makes my breath catch in my throat.
David Rakoff on the discovery of his homosexuality while working at gathering chickens to be slaughtered on a kibbutz in Israel.

2002-02-14T13:25:00.000-05:00

So, it is St. Valentine's Day, and I wish all of you merry readers a happy one.

During the past few days, I have had some time to think about why I will be alone tonight, on this night of holy romance, mostly because I have been reading—and just finished reading, actually—What's Not To Love? by Jonathan Ames, in which he accounts much of his sexual frustration and exploitation. Amber had recommended him to me some time ago, telling me that he was great, and I at last I bought one of his books. She was right, and I loved the book. I also felt shamed and humbled by it, because I, too, have my private fears and distastes and despisals, and they haunt me most often when romance is in the air. To you, mr Ames and you ms Jackie-O, I dedicate this day of whatever it has to offer you.

As for the rest of you, be safe, and send me some chocolates.

2002-02-12T01:36:00.000-05:00

So, it's not as if I don't hate myself enough already. I had to add to my self-destructive ways by buying a pack of cigarettes. Here is where this is wrong on several counts:
1.) I have asthma.
2.) I hate the smell of post-smoking. Unsmoked tobacco has a nice plain sweet smell that has me thinking of farms or slavedrivers. Smoking and smoked tobacco smells like germs would if germs were smoke and had smell.
3.) Smoke gets in my eyes.
4.) My hands and mouth don't know what to do, and so I look like an idiot. Luckily, this is all confined to the small place that is my room.
Tomorrow we will simply go back to drinking, and forget the smoking ever happened. Except that now we have a nice sweet-smelling pack of cigarettes, and too many hours wide awake late at night.

2002-02-11T00:37:00.000-05:00

Judd Apatow et al. speak to Television Without Pity in two parts: 1 and 2. If you don't know who Judd Apatow is, you need some serious help.

2002-02-08T01:24:00.000-05:00

Spare the snark. Spoil the networks. MightyBigTV has been reborn.

2002-02-07T14:15:00.000-05:00

All this public writing may just be over soon. Something about it makes me feel like an idiot. It also may be the fact that I haven't eaten a real meal in days. Though

2002-02-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

Sure it's just a list. But it's just a list like White Teeth is just a book. Which is to say, you try and do it, cause there ain't no fucking way you're half as good as Zadie Smith.

2002-02-02T00:50:00.000-05:00

Read this and this. Don't ask questions. Just read.

2002-01-23T23:34:00.000-05:00

Go watch clips of the Wilco film I'm Trying To Break Your Heart. It's the least you can do.

2002-01-22T12:16:00.000-05:00

Ira Glass of This American Life is one of America's Best. If you don't want to take my word for it, just read these words of David Mamet.

2002-01-17T11:13:00.000-05:00

My mother knocked over a dwarf. Her account is below. I don't know why she used the word 'fark' as really she probably said 'fuck' but I'll respoect her wishes. Remember, this is the woman who also refers to the middle finger as 'the tall man.'

So I am going along with the racing heart the sweat of the brow the anxiety taking over. I decide to tailass outta there and so making a tight left turn around a display. My body goes bump and bang over something. as i go flying to the ground I hear: OOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
yes. THE DWARF.
I am now on the floor with one set of eye glasses over there and the other one now resting just outta reach so I roll over on my back (no not to play dead I haven't been up to my old tricks in a while) just to catch my breath after all I did do a MARYLOU ASSOVERHEADRETTON.
So I look up and there looking down at me is a little woman. (Louisa May Alcott eat your heart out) and she is glaring at me! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? YOU COULDA KILLED ME YOU BIG OAF!
BIG OAF? I am thinking WAIT A FARKING MINUTE SUSIE SMURF. I get up on my knees to be face to face with the TERROR AT THREE FEET and say: WHO THE FARK ARE YOU CALLING OAF?
YOU YOU YOU do you see anyone else around? (She is one nasty obviously ontherag bitch)
I am thinking - this is NOT who Frank L. Baum had in mind when he wrote about the munchkins - it couldn't have been. But then again were they really the ones to sabotage Dorothy's return to Kansas were they the ones dressed up in the farkingflying monkey suits - SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!
I know: THE DWARF.
I need my glasses I say to Little Debbie Snack Cake
She says GET YOUR OWN FUCKING GLASSES MAYBE THEN YOU WONT GO KNOCKING DOWN INNOCENT LITTLE PEOPLE! I AM A GROWN UP I HAVE RIGHTS YOU KNOW AND NO ONE AS PITIFUL AS YOU WILL TAKE THE PRIDE AWAY FROM ME!
What the shit I say to myself - When the hell did I become the whipping girl for the little people nation? I don't even wear short shorts, and yes while I have been known to be shortsighted I don't even take shorthand I WOULDN'T DO THAT but I am thinking nice, really nice. I get up I find my glasses I turn around to tell her what I think of her and something in the ceiling catches my pupil-only-eyes and I realize in the back of this department in the back of Hecht Company located in The Mall in Columbia a surveillance camera is grinding away.
I say IMMEDIATELY (as my voice goes up 3 octaves): I hope your not injured in anyway are you?????
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU GIVE A SHIT? NOW GET OUTTA MY WAY AMAZON WHORE!
as I stood up I watched her clomp away. wearing highheeledkickasstakingnames boots and a jacket with winnie the pooh decorating the back of it. i knew RIGHT then that this was a sistawoman whose agendas could not be easily dealt with.
I got myself all tucked back in and headed to the Customer Service Counter where I wrote out two suggestions:
(1) DWARFS SHOULD BE BELLED
(2) GIVE ME THE TAPE NO ONE WILL GET HURT.

2002-01-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

Here is my nose. That other person is my friend Kate. And then there is somebody's hand in hair. I don't know who that person is. We were at Coney Island. Everybody should go to Coney Island. There is a beach there.

The photo was taken with a lomo. That is why there are four of them, when really there is only one.

2002-01-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

That Ben Greenman thing has come and gone. If you missed it, you missed out. He is taller than me, and has a baby with cute hair. I don't only say that because the baby isn't mine. I'm destined to someday be a stellar dads. Probably even the best ever.

2002-01-08T00:41:00.000-05:00

Ben Greenman is reading at Community Books, in Park Slope, this Wednesday, January 9, at 7 p.m. You should be there if you can. Ben is a nice boy. And I will be there secretly.

2002-01-01T15:09:00.000-05:00

"Just before dawn one winter's morning, New Year's Day or thereabouts, two real, full-grown, living men fell from a great height, twenty-nine thousand and two feet, towards the English channel, without benefit of parachutes or wings, out of a clear sky."
Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

2001-12-31T14:17:00.000-05:00

"On March 9, 1669, Samuel Pepys had his first glass of orange juice, and, afterward, he wrote in his diary, 'I drank a glass, of a pint, I believe, at one drought, of the juice of oranges, of whose peel they make confits, and here they drink the juice as wine, with sugar, and it is a very fine drink; but, it being new, I was doubtful whether it might do me harm.'"
John McPhee, Oranges

2001-12-31T11:08:00.000-05:00

Ring in the New Year with high spirits, but try not to get red eyes.

2001-12-27T21:38:00.000-05:00

WNYC's Radio Rookies are kids from around New York and the five boroughs who are learning about radio by simply telling their stories. But it's not always so simple. Here are some reasons why.

Janesse's father left her and her family for Heroin when she was very young. Janesse takes her microphone to her father's house to try to convince him he should leave Heroin alone.

Macho dropped out of school when he was 16. Now, three years later, he looks at the reasons why he dropped out and thinks about his future.

David is obsessed with becoming a star -- he wants a mansion, a limo, constant media attention, and his own clothing line. But his mother says he should be worrying about his report card.

Danielle's brother is a member of the world-renowned Boys Choir of Harlem, and that inspired her to report on a lesser-known choir: The Girls Choir of Harlem.

As much as you might talk about caring, give a few minutes to listening.

2001-12-25T23:41:00.000-05:00

Before it's too late...

Merry Christmas, everyone.

2001-12-23T17:59:00.000-05:00

There is a restaurant offering photos with Santa. The sign advertises available photo times as "Today, Tomorrow (sic), and next week!"

2001-12-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

A conversation overheard by my mother at the local mall in my hometown in Maryland.

Young Woman on Cell Phone: You are such a prick. If you fucking think I am going to let you buy me any fucking presents for fucking Christmas you have your head up your fucking ass.
silence. listening.
YWoCP: I don't fucking give a fuck who the fuck you think you are. I don't want any fucking stupid presents, not one fucking piece of cheap jewelry from you or your fucking mother.
silence.listening.
YWoCP: Listen you lowlife redneck fuckface, I will buy my own fucking Christmas presents. I don't need you or your sorry ass excuses. I know what I want! I have the money to buy what I fucking want.
silence. listening.
YWoCP: And I am not buying you any fucking thing anyway! Who the fuck do you think bought you your birthday fucking presents? Did you fucking think the birthday fucking fairy left you the case of Corona? Who the fuck did you think threw you the birthday fucking party? Karen that mother-fucking whore?
silence. listening.
YWoCP: What the fuck did you want me to do? Did you want me to tell your fucking ex-wife not to fucking be there? You are so fucking friendly with her, buy her a fucking Christmas present. And her prick brother, too. Fuck you both.
silence. listening.
YWoCP: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? You are the most miserable fucking son of a bitch you fatherless bastard you!
silence. listening.
silence. listening.
silence. listening.
YWoCP: Okay I gotta go, too. I'll see you tonight. Pick up a pizza on the way home okay?
silence. listening.
YWoCP: I love you, too. Kisses kisses kisses.

2001-12-19T16:05:00.000-05:00

2001-12-19T02:34:00.000-05:00

These Days
by Jackson Browne

Well I've been out walking
I don't do that much talking these days
These days--
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
For you
And all the times I had the chance to

And I had a lover
It's so hard to risk another these days
These days--
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it's just that I've been losing so long

I'll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
These days--
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

2001-12-14T01:39:00.000-05:00

Sure, Fresh Air is always worth listening to, but especially so when there is a quite fantastic interview with Wes Anderson. That Terry Gross. She's something good.

2001-12-12T01:21:00.000-05:00

"We'll also be keeping track of developments in the hills around the Afghan
town of Tora Bora. The Alliance troops battling the Taliban and al-Qaeda
troops there have given them an ultimatum, surrender or die. The deadline
is 10:30 EST tonight. An ABC News correspondent will be up in those hills,
and we're working now to try to make it possible for him to report in on
what is happening. Actually, I think he just tried to call in while I'm
writing this, and all I could hear was static. Hopefully we'll have it
worked out by airtime."

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

Leroy Sievers
Executive Producer
Nightline Offices
Washington, D.C.

Subscribe to get daily e-mails from Leroy Sievers. As you can see, they are worth it.

2001-12-11T10:10:00.000-05:00

"This is your future. This is the sentence you must serve 'til you admit that you're a fuck-up like the rest of us. Oh, that's the time you fall apart. That's the time the teardrops start & that's the time you fall in love again."

Or maybe you prefer this one.

"Aah, sing your song about all the sad imitations that got it so wrong: It's like a later 'Tom & Jerry' when the two of them could talk, like the Stones since the eighties, like the last days of Southfork. Like 'Planet of the Apes' on TV, the second side of 'Til the Band Comes in', like an own-brand of cornflakes: he's going to let you down my friend."

Either way, plant a tree in the Pulp forest. It's a good deed.

2001-12-09T03:00:00.000-05:00

For the upcoming holidays, consider putting out a record or two for family and friends and anybody who might be interested in your particular form of punk rock. Even if that punk rock is lounge music or R. Kelly-style r&b, which is different (and worse than) from the more classic rhythm and blues we like to think of as great.

For help with your home recording, look to Kristin Thompson and Jenny Toomey's An Introductory Mechanic's Guide to Putting Out Records, Cassettes and CDs for guidance. It is good afternoon wintery reading.

2001-12-07T00:10:00.000-05:00

The piece that was here the other day is now here. Thank you, Amy, for your minor editorial assistance.

2001-12-06T02:38:00.000-05:00

'Oh oh oh I'm lightning
Oh oh oh I'm rain
Oh oh oh it's frightening
I'm not the same, I'm not the same,
I'm not the same.'

To be sung with as little enthusiasm as possible, as if you yourself were the young David Berman.

2001-12-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

Next Tuesday I expect to see anybody who can make it at the recording of Neal Pollack's Night of Poetry and Other Poems.

2001-11-16T01:47:00.000-05:00

Mandy Moore will be starring in the upcoming flick A Walk To Remember. There will be a visit to the movies. Why? Because it's Mandy. Don't look at me like that. Amy knows what's up. I'm not the only one.